A Werewolf in WalMart
by RebeccaRoy
Summary: It's a short time after the war with Voldemort and Snape has chosen to go to America for a conference. For reasons that will be explained Remus Lupin and Sirius Black go with him. They visit Wal*Mart one day...
1. Starting Out

_Disclaimer:_

I do not own the characters of Harry Potter, these belong to that wonderful author JK Rowling and the various publishing companies used to publish her works. I am however borrowing them, no not to make money but for fun and fun only. Now Eva, Mary and Robert Hope are mine, I based them off my older sister and her twin children. They like me love Harry Potter. I changed their names to protect their innocence? Or something like that…

Summary:

It's a short time after the war with Voldemort and Snape has chosen to go to America for a conference. For reasons that will be explained Remus Lupin and Sirius Black go with him. They visit Wal-Mart one day. What chaos can these three men get into in such a place like Wal-Mart? Read to find out…

Chapter One:

Starting Out:

Severus Snape had not ever traveled that much outside the United Kingdom and certainly not to the States, as he referred to America. It was a shock to him to find out how big the country really was. What annoyed him was how it seemed every American he came in contact with liked to remind him how large the nation was by having the nerve to compare European nations to the size of one of their states. Mostly the western ones as these were the largest in the nation. He had taken a muggle flight from England as it was not possible to Apparate over 500 miles tops. Most witches and wizards could Apparate 100 miles at most, Snape was closer to 250. Never mind all that, he was here, in a state called Colorado which he knew meant colorful from the Spanish.

The conference and home he was staying in more than made up for the fact he had two traveling companions he was not too pleased about at first. That is until Sirius Black told them he had some cousins that lived in downtown Denver on capital hill and would not mind them staying. That was why Severus Snape woke on a fine early summer day in a richly decorated room in a four poster bed with green curtains. As it was warm our tall ivory skinned potions master was clad only in a pair of black silk shorts. He was lean, with good muscle structure and though his black hair hung lank to his shoulders and his nose was a bit large he was a good looking man. Good teeth and soulful black eyes rounded out the man.

He went through his morning routine and dressed carefully in muggle attire. Another reminder he was no longer in Europe where the Wizarding world and the muggle world were clearly divided. Here robes and such were reserved for school and work, not everyday wear and Snape had only one pair of jeans, his heavy black buckled dragon skin boots would have to do and one of his pressed button up white shirts would pass. He even tied back his hair as it seemed it was more acceptable here too. He walked down stairs to the large kitchen, complete with magical and muggle stuff side-by-side. He sat at the table, ladled out a large portion of the oatmeal, dumped sugar on it and milk and began to eat.

"Morning professor, sleep well?" A young looking woman with dark brown hair and green eyes asked him.

"Yes, thank you." Snape said.

"Morning Severus." Another man said coming into the room. "Morning Eva."

"Morning Lupin." Snape said

"Good Morning Remus." Eva Hope said.

Remus Lupin was a contrast to Snape, he was shorter, a bit stocker and was a little tanned too. He had some faint scars on his face courtesy of Grayback, curly trimmed reddish-brown hair and small mustache and blue eyes that could turn amber. He was clad in jeans, leather boots and a light long sleeved blue buttoned tee. Another man came into the room and moodily took a seat at the table. He too was clad in jeans, boots and a black tee that showed off his strong body. He had long curly near black hair, and mustache that made him look very much like a darker haired version of James Hetfield, lead singer of Metallica. He had a cross tattoo on his left forearm and there was a thorn band tattoo peaking out under his tee on his right bicep. This was Sirius Black, one time convict, wrongly convicted and sent to the worst prison in the world, Azkaban.

"Morning mutt." Snape said.

"Sod off," Sirius snapped at Snape then to Eva his cousin "Morning Eva."

"Morning Sirius, here is your coffee, sleep well?" Eva said poring him a cup, and handing it over.

"Yea, don't see why I must get up so early." Sirius whined.

"It is now eight in the morning." Snape informed him. "I normally get up at six, this vacation is softening me, I cannot see how eight is late."

"I was out late." Sirius said.

"I don't want to know what you were doing." Remus said. "Really I don't."

"Okay, fine, it's something virgins do not want to here." Sirius said.

"I am not a virgin." Severus said timing that as Sirius was taking a sip of coffee causing Sirius to gag on his coffee. "Do not worry I used protection."

"Okay enough of that talk." Eva said. "The children do not need to hear that."

"Nor do I." Remus said sternly.

At that moment two teens bound into the room. They had their mother's wavy dark brown hair and their father's blue eyes. The girl's hair was long and tied back and she was clad in the "uniform" of the muggle world, jeans, a red tee shirt and sneakers. Her brother was clad in jeans and sneakers and black Metallica tee shirt. They sat at the table clearly enjoying the three European wizards. They were twins and in their sixth year of magical school which meant they were old enough to get a muggle driving license.

"Hey you guys ever been to a Wal-Mart?" Mary the oldest twin asked.

"Yea its wicked fun." Robert said grinning. "There is lots of stuff even we in the magical world cannot get."

"I have been to one, years ago." Remus said. "It was interesting."

"I have not but have heard about them." Snape said.

"So have I, I say we go, you Sev need more muggle clothes, you cannot go around the way you are dressed." Sirius said.

"Stop calling me Sev." Severus snarled at him then added. "What is wrong with what I am wearing?"

"You look like a pirate." Mary said.

"We can help, don't worry I think I know your style." Robert said.

"And that would be?" Severus asked a bit irked at the casual attitude these teens took with him, then again everyone in America was so rude, they just chatted one up and gave no thought to title or rank.

"Dark colors, I would say mostly black and green." Eva said.

"Its open now, why don't we go after breakfast?" Robert said.

"Better make sure Sirius has his pot of coffee." Remus said as Sirius gave him a rude sign (which puzzled the children, why was Remus giving the peace sign backwards?) "That was not nice Siri."

"Oh shut up you prat." Sirius growled sipping his coffee.

In the end it was closer to lunch time that they headed out. As Remus could drive very well, both in English cars and the more common American/ European way he drove. Eva called shotgun and that meant she got the front passenger seat. She flipped through the CDs and took out a Green Day one and put it on and turned it up. Snape actually liked this as did Sirius. In no time, with careful directions from Eva Remus had driven west through downtown Denver and to the nearest Wal-Mart. He parked the car and Snape felt nervous as he saw the very large building. This was a Wal-Mart? It was so, so big! Eva and Roberts grinned behind him, they had brought him to a super Wal-Mart and clearly he was amazed at the large low structure before him with the blue Wal-Mart sign with the red lettering below that said "always low prices always". He took a deep breath and started to wall toward the front doors wondering what he had got himself into…

_So what do you think? I live in Colorado and this just came to me. I tried to show as much of the cultural differences between the English and us Americans. It is in no way to put down the British but hopefully makes a point, just cause we speak nearly the same language does not mean we are the same culture-wise. More to come as Severus has yet to see the inside of the Wal-Mart. Next Chapter will deal with unruly children, mistaken identity and samples..._


	2. In WalMart

Disclaimer:

Chapter Two:

In Wal-Mart:

Severus watched the people entering the Wal-Mart through the automatic doors. He knew this was done not by magic as in his world but by electricity. He walked forward as confident as the people around him and entered the store. He walked past the place where the carts were and through the second set of doors and got twenty feet into the store. He stopped and removed his sunglasses and looked around slowly in awe. Several people looked at him oddly and Sirius walked up and put an arm on Severus, who in normal circumstances would have hexed him off the planet. Sirius sighed and smiled as he looked around in awe.

"Mate," he said loudly, "we have arrived in the promised land."

"It is huge." Severus said then shrugged Sirius's arm off him. "Kindly do not touch me."

"Tourists, never seen a Wal-Mart." Eva said to an old woman with a walking stick.

"Well I hope they have fun, oh that one looks like that cute young man from Metallica!" The old lady said about Sirius. "Have fun boys."

She looked the three men over and Severus felt weirded out. He turned back to looking over the Wal-Mart and saw it extended away on both sides. The side they were on seemed to be food stuffs, here at the front was a deli, a bakery and a place for lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. As they walked down the isles Severus, Sirius and Remus browsed the long isles of frozen foodstuff of all kinds. There were waffles and pancakes, egg dishes and frozen potatoes. Frozen tarts and frozen fruits and cakes, frozen vegetables and meats and dinner dishes abounded. The men then browsed the bread isle but did not stay as the bread was clearly inferior. They browsed the isles of canned goods, the packaged goods of pasta and rice and the vast isles of water, soda and sports drinks.

"Amazing, simply amazing what they have done." Sirius said careful to not use the word muggle.

"I am impressed." Severus said meaning it. "Not Diagon Alley however it is impressive."

"I am hungry." Remus whined.

"You always think with your stomach wolf." Severus snapped at him.

"I have a large metabolism Severus." Remus said.

"Hnn." Came Severus's reply.

They went down a isle devoted to pet food, two isles of cleaning supplies and the last isle on this side of refrigerated milk and juice. They turned and saw the start of the baby isles and quickly passed them. Robert and Eva had kept pace with the three grown wizards amused at how they took Wal-Mart. They lead them away from the toys sports and electronics at the back of the store and took them into the men's clothing area where Severus was sure they could not find a thing for him to wear. Nothing here looked like anything he would remotely wear. He looked around for Remus and did not see him, but he did not have much chance to look for him as Eva was now taking stock of what to dress him in.

"What colors will you wear sir?" She asked.

"Black." Severus growled..

"Come on you have to try, at least try some more colors." Eva said.

"Black, black, black." Snape said glaring at her.

Eva had other ideas, she knew she could not get him into patterns or bright colors. She was smart enough to know he would be mad if she did. She guessed at his height he would take a large size and so she started to pull off the shelves long sleeved buttoned tees in dark colors, two black, one dark maroon, one in purple and one in dark green. She handed them to Severus, steered him to the dressing rooms and had him try on the shirts. Snape found she had good taste, the colors she had picked he would not have but he had to admit they looked good on him. He dressed back in his white shirt and walked out.

"They work?" Eva asked.

"Yes, they do." Severus said. "They will work well."

"Okay you need jeans, what size you take?" Robert asked.

"I take thirty four thirty two." Snape said.

"Good, for you the darker the better." Robert said grinning.

"I am in heaven." Remus said walking up chewing on something. "They have free food!"

"Oh no, Remus please tell me you did not eat all their free food?" Sirius asked. "I really want to finish looking at this store."

"No, I only took one of each but the women let me have more, they were so kind to me!" Remus said. "One said I was cute and loved my accent."

Meantime Severus had put the things he would buy into the cart Eva was pushing. He was now browsing the toy section and so intent on the toys did not see the young boys following him. They were sure, _positive_ he was a vampire and were going to take him down. They had small plastic bats and set on the poor man who howled in shock and rage. He fell to the floor and not one to ever hit a child curled up and tried to ward of the blows. A woman came up and had the boys by the arm each, she looked down at Severus who looked very shocked at the attack.

"I am so sorry sir, my boys I don't know what came over them!" She said looking mortified at this attack.

"But mom he is a vampire!" One of the boys said.

"You just wait until we get home." She hissed at them.

"You should tie them up!" Severus snarled from the floor. "Little monsters!"

"Yes they were and they are not going to be able to sit for a week!" She said. "Can I do anything for you?"

"Nah he will be fine." Sirius said walking up smirking. "Death by bat Severus?"

"Not funny." Severus said getting up.

The woman left dragging her children off who though not being hurt were wailing in stereo. Severus dearly wanted to hex them but he was sure that those boys were going home to a butt whipping not unlike those he got as a child. Sirius laughed and attracted the attention of two teen girls clad in black tee shirts, ripped jeans, brightly colored hair and sneakers. One had a leather collar with spikes on it and a nose ring. The other a leather band around her wrist and facial piercings all over her face. They walked up to Sirius trying to look so very cool.

"Are you the lead singer of Metallica?" One of the girls asked.

"Um no, I am English actually." Sirius said smiling getting the girls to smile. "I am here on holiday."

"Wow even cooler." One of the girls said.

"He has to leave now." Severus said. "We have much shopping to do, good day ladies."

He drug Sirius off and met up with Eva and Robert and found after a few minutes of searching Remus in the sporting goods section. He was looking at paintball guns and Severus paled in anger. He had a reason to, last time he had an encounter with these had been at Hogwarts and someone had slipped a paintball gun to Peeves. What happened next was not pretty, once Snape found the poltergeist he had taken him and managed with his wand to stuff him in a bottle. It was an impressive bit of magic on his part.

"Come on Severus it could be fun." Remus said.

"No, you get them you die." Severus said in a tone that meant he was not kidding.

"Please, I really want them." Remus begged.

Now Sirius was getting a bit bored now that the novelty of Wal-Mart was wearing off. If anyone knows the history with Sirius and boredom you know something was going to happen. If only Remus and Severus had paid closer attention to him. Then again they were fighting over the paintballs, Severus threatening Remus with death and Remus begging with puppy dog eyes. Oh yes Sirius was going to cause mayhem that was for sure…

_Will Sirius get everyone kicked out of Wal-Mart? What can that insane Animagmus get into? Wait and see, the next chapter will deal with his mayhem!_


	3. McDonalds and Mayhem

Disclaimer:

Chapter Three:

McDonalds and Mayhem:

Severus's sixth sense started to go off as he was talking to Remus. Years of teaching had honed this skill so that he knew when a student close by was going to get into trouble. Right now he knew that one Sirius Black was going to get into trouble. He walked away from Remus and strode down the long main walkway with Remus close on his heels. It was a good thing that he did as both wizards found Sirius standing staring up at a large wire cage of over large colorful plastic balls. Sirius was holding a small penknife and Remus and Severus strode up grabbing him at once.

"No, don't even think of it!" Severus hissed at Sirius.

"Come Padfoot, let's get some lunch." Remus said helping Severus drag the insane Animagmus away from the large bin of balls.

"There is a McDonalds up front." Mary said helpfully as she walked up.

"Okay, I like McDonalds." Sirius said, this was a muggle fast food restaurant he knew well. "Lead the way fair maiden."

They went to pay for their groceries, and got into a surprisingly short line. Both Mary and Robert did not think it would be good to use the self checkout as they were sure the wizards would find it too odd. Severus paid for his new clothes, the twins paid for some new CDs, Remus paid for some dog chews he happened to like and Sirius paid for some sun block and hair products. (The hair products were for him, the sun block he would give as a joke to Severus). They put the plastic bags into the cart and went over to the McDonalds.

Severus got a Big Mac™ meal, Mary and Robert a Big and Tasty™ meal each, Sirius a Double cheeseburger meal. Remus got the most of course, he got a hamburger, a fish sandwich, ten chicken McNuggets™, a large fry and of course a soda. Everyone sat down to lunch and ate well, Sirius kept going back for more Coke™ and no-one was paying much attention to that. He went and got a sundae and ate that and got even more Coke™. This was not a good thing at all, what with the large dose of coffee that morning, the caffeine and sugar now he was getting very hyper. The insane look in his eyes should have tipped everyone off he should be taken out of Wal-Mart _now_.

"Oh darn I forgot I have to get milk for my mom." Mary said.

"So we go back in then?" Sirius said grinning.

"Yea, let's go." Robert said.

So back into Wal-Mart they went. The twins went with the cart to get the milk while Severus and Remus followed Sirius to the electronics department and watched as he poked around. He saw a display of an electric guitar and his eyes lit up. At once he had the guitar in hand and started to play it. He was good, in fact very good. If he had not been I am sure the good workers at Wal-Mart would have taken it from him and ordered him out. He drew a crowd and was clearly staying out of trouble for the moment. So Severus and Remus went to look at the toy section.

"Interesting toys." Severus said looking over the toys here.

"They would have to be charmed for them to interest me." Remus said.

"No not here!" Severus hissed.

"Severus I have lived among muggles, I would not change the toys to magic here." Remus said smiling, "we don't need an international incident."

"I challenge you villains to a duel!" Came the voice of Sirius and Severus got hit by something plastic the second time that day.

"Oi how dare you!" Severus said turning on Sirius so fast that Sirius hardly had time to defend himself. "Feel my wrath upon you!"

"No, no not here, not this." Remus said as Severus took up another plastic light saber.

"I am the noble Jedi Black!" Sirius said.

"Come join the dark side, we have sweets." Severus said straight faced.

"Ah what?" Sirius said lowering his light saber and he was hit on the head.

That was it, the men took the mock duel to a new level. I think Severus might have had a bit much in sugar, or America was doing him good. Whatever it was Severus was not acting quite like he normally would. If his students saw him now they would scream in terror and run away thinking he was finally insane. The men dueled through the toy isles with Remus begging them to stop as employees were starting to notice. The fun ended when a normally sweet black woman clad in blue from her Wal-Mart vest to jeans, tee shirt and shoes stormed over and took the toys from the men.

"You gonna buy these?" She asked them sternly.

"Um…." Sirius said.

"Then please do not rough house with the toys unless you are gonna buy them." She said making them feel like they were little boys. "You could hurt someone in here!"

"Sorry ma'am." Severus said.

She left and Severus turned to leave, only to have something hit him in the back of the head. He turned to see Remus looking at him innocently. He saw the football at his feet and picked it up and this is what Sirius was waiting for. He ran to tackle Severus but he forgot that Severus was a good fighter, magical and muggle style both. Sirius ended up on his back Severus over him smirking, this store was getting really fun!

"Oi Severus look a phone!" Sirius said grinning wickedly as soon as he could stand again.

"Um that is a store telephone." Severus said.

"I know, watch this." Sirius said grinning picking up the phone and pressing some numbers. "_Good afternoon Wal-Mart shoppers, this is your friendly host Padfoot here. Just wanted to sing you a little song._"

He started to sing a particularly vulgar (for a family store that is) song called "Baby Got Back". He had a good voice but the Wal-Mart intercom system is not to be used this way. The same normally sweet black woman came over and took the phone from him and hung it up glaring at him. Severus and Remus were hiding, Severus smiling but not laughing, Remus laughing soundlessly. Sirius was dead, so very, very dead.

"What do you think you are doing?" The long suffering Wal-Mart employee demanded of him.

"Ah singing?" Sirius said smiling at her.

"Do that again and you will be out on your ear!" She said. "I mean it, one more thing from you and that is it!"

"Oh man that was priceless!" Remus said walking up as the woman left, wiping tears from his eyes.

"I must say you do have a talent for trouble." Severus said arching an eyebrow at Sirius.

"I dare you to do that." Sirius said to Severus.

"No, I value my life." Severus said.

"Double dog dare you." Remus said.

"Now you have to." Sirius said grinning insanely.

Severus arched his eyebrow and went to the phone. He was totally acting out of character here, he never did anything like this ever! However he was far from home and his students and so what harm could this do? He let Sirius press the buttons and hold the phone. He then mimicked Sirius's voice and recited Edgar Allen Poe's poem "_The Raven"._

Mary and Robert were waiting outside the store when they looked up as they heard loud voices. Severus came out hands in pockets looking relaxed and nearly happy. By his side came Remus trying so hard not to laugh. Last of all came Sirius being drug out by the ear by the same woman who had warned him to stop. Sirius tried to go back into the store but two large men in security uniforms stopped him. Severus and Remus grabbed him by the arms and once more drug him off, this time back to the car.

"We cannot take you anywhere can we?" Severus smirked.

"You did the last, that was not me!" Sirius whined. "How come you got away with it and I get blamed?"

"Because I am Slytherin and you are not." Severus said.

"Good point." Remus said laughing.

"Who's side you on wolf?" Sirius said glaring at Remus.

They got in the car and once more Remus drove. They came back to the house in the late afternoon. Severus went to put his new clothes away and walked down stairs in time for dinner. The day had gone well, Wal-Mart had been fun and seeing Sirius Black kicked out of Wal-Mart had been worth being here with the man. Late that evening Eva found the three English wizards fast asleep in the family room. Severus was on one couch, Remus and Sirius took up one together (they were not gay but slept dog like as they were both very dog like). It was a sweet sight to see she thought as she covered them up with blankets.

The End.


End file.
